6.21.2014​
GORDON & MARTA
Langley, BC
Are gettin' hitched!
​His Story
Thomas Gordon Ivarson Birchmore was an albino born in the hills of Alabama to the poorest family in the Valley. He lived a happy, ignorant, life until the working age of 4. Forced by "de gubverment" into a life of weasel farming, he suffered for the better part of thirty years. Then, one day a small roving group of missionaries purchased his freedom for one sack of pataters, 3 weasels and an onion (coincidentaly the exact same ingredients required to make weasel stew). He accompanied the missionaries as a "travelling minstrel" performing at barmitzvahs (very inclusive missionaries they were) and weddings...his specialty was making weasel balloon sculptures (it's amazing what you can do with a trained live weasel these days). After 5 long hard years,he earned enough money to pay back the missionaries (one sack of pataters, 3 weasels, and an onion). He roamed the earth alone, slightly confused with a spinning moral compass and ended up in Vancouver Canada trying to unsuccessfully earn a living peddling his "signature" balloon weasel sculptures. One day, the fickle hand of destiny frustrated by his intentional stupidity decided to step in to push him in the right direction. On his daily bus ride home (post peddling his weasel wares) fate conspired with BCTransit to have him kicked off for letting his weasel loose on the bus. While stood at the bus stop clutching his wayward weasel, he looked up to see a glimmer coming from the East Side Cafe. Curious he wandered into a coffee shop to explore further....when BAM!!!!...he was hit by a "lovin' stick" right between his lazy eyes. There she sat in all her glory....a hillbilly dream of a woman...a black beauty, wearing the most bedazzeled Luchadori mask he had ever done seen....the red floor-length cape she was wearing identified her as "Chocolate Thunder".... he was sure she was the love of his life.....she looked up at him and smiled (and his heart skipped a beat...all he could think was...."Dahyam she got all her OWN teeffs, Imma marry her!!"
* Based on a true story...except for some teensy...weensy liberties.
​
Her Story
No one could ever figure out where Marta Musa was born, or where she came from. All her adoptive family could tell her was that she was found outside a Bolivian orphanage with a note attached saying "Nunca dejar que luchar" (Spanish for - Never Let Her Wrestle). The only adopted child to a rich and powerful business magnate (the business of novelty vomit and whoopie cushions was very lucrative), she was indulged and pampered.....until one day when an innocent and playful push from the stableboy percipitated a wrestling match that ended tragically with the stableboy in traction (there was a spinning back kick and an atomic elbow involved). For her safety...and the safety of "the Help", her parents sent her to Catholic Boarding School to be guided back to the right path by the nuns. The "Nuns" were highly effective at suppressing her "Wrestling Urges" and molding her into a upright and righteous young woman. She pursued a higher education and began to work in her chosen profession. But every day that went by her soul suffocated a little bit more....and the voices in her head would constantly sing softly to her "Punch 'em in the face, punch 'em in the face, punch em in the faaaaccceeeeeee". One dark and stormy night unable to sleep she sat up drinking warm Gingerale, inhaling Cheetos and watching late night infomercials . When across the screen came an advert for the "RonCo Collapsable Wrestling Ring". In that moment she knew....(dramatic sound..."dun dun duuuuuun").....she had been living a lie! She needed to shed this disguise she was wearing and embrace the Luchadori within! So she sold off all her possessions, had a costume custom made (extra bedazzeling) and she headed out and joined GLOW (Gorgeous Women of Wrestling). She travelled the world, wrestling and happy by day, but lonely and heartbroken by night. One day while enjoying a post match tea at her local coffee joint (The East Cafe), she noticed a fellow customer. He was a manly man...big, broad and bearded....maybe a little disheveled...so very very very pale...and strangely enough he was holding a bag of squirming weasels. One look into his lazy eye told her, this is the man she was looking for...her tag-team partner for life....her lonely heartbroken nights would soon be a thing of the past......**
** Again, this is kinda sorta based on a true story...sorta kinda
OUR STORY
He had wrestled his way into her heart and she had weaseled her way into his.
The Real Story
Boredom drove us both to PlentyOfFish.com... a dating website ... mutual interest in photography made us both break personal rules not to actually date anyone off the websites...decisions we both are very glad for.
The First Date
It was meant to be a 20 minute "smell" check but ended up being 9 hours of Gordon sharing all his "flaws" with Marta. I guess the hope was that if he front loaded all of it, and she still managed to hang around....then he could believe they would have a solid future. Little did Gordon know that Marta's previous dating experience had set a very low standard for this type of thing.
Subsequent Dates
According to Gordon this phase of their romance was marked by him being a "Lady", some rather fancy "Woo-ery" on his part, and Marta (of course) consistently being a "Hussy"
The Night on Mount Mosquito
The first time they confessed their mutual love was atop Burnaby mountain while looking out on a fantastic view. Unfortunately the "Woo-ery" was cut short when Gordon not so discretely used Marta as a mosquito sheild...he of course left the mountain head in the clouds glowing with love...she left with some rather epic bites that have left her with life long scars....
Picnic at Kits Beach
There was a picnic....a sunset on Kits Beach (aka Second base beach)...and so much sand...oh dear God the sand...
Shackin' Up
Truth is Gordon came over and never left....ever...first his boots moved in...then his work gear....eventually "Zoo" moved in....and after an acceptable/decent/moral period of time had passed (6 weeks....insert *eye roll* here), Gordon threw away all his "bachelor" stuff, moved his 5 boxes in...and the "Shackery" commenced.
Frederico happened...
We decided our love was big enough for one more "critter" (practice baby)...so we spent months searching the BCSPCA for the perfect child...which wasn't available...so we got "Fred"....he saved us from our "Kleenex", guards us from the "Ham", ensures our bed is thoroughly slept in ALL NIGHT LONG, administers dog-breath Kissy face at will, executes frequent "Belly Button Health" inspections, takes us out on regular squirrel patrols, and ensures that no toys wear any pants.....but most of all, he keeps us laughing and shares his unending well of love and affection.
The Proposal
4 months into the woo-ery, there was a romantic dinner at "The Arms Reach Bistro" looking out onto a beautiful view.....a stroll hand in hand down the pier into a fog swathed and full moon light bathed night....he got down on bended knee....stared deep into her eyes and said "I've never been happier than I have since I met you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. "Will you marry Me?"....she teared up, clasped her hands to her face and said...."Yes....Yes I will".....He stood up eyes open wide and said "Wow...I can't believe you were dumb enough to say yes"......She grabbed the ring out of his hands and contemplated shoving him into the Ocean....but she didn't...because she is a good Christian woman (and she didn't have a ride home.)
....Ever After
We request that you join us for our wedding and be part of the ever after part of our story.
....To be continued....